Despair
by Alexis C
Summary: Baofu has a dangerous obsession.


Author's Note: A B'day fic I wrote for Roc. :D It's a pretty dark fic so read at your own risk... Baofu x Katsuya.

**Despair  
By Alexis C. **

Count the seconds ticking by.

This is the rest of your life slipping on by.

Baofu hasn't quite come to terms with how they ended up like this. Two naked bodies, tumbled and tangled in the sheets together, with the scent of sex and sweat lingering in the air. He knows the facts well enough. It's the same old story after all. They got drunk and one thing led to another. It's hardly worth mentioning.

What Baofu doesn't understand is how things turned out this way. After they saved the world, things were just supposed to settle back to the way they had always been. He was supposed to be the loner, the strange old techno geek holed up in a musty little room, plugged in to his computer night and day staring at an endless stream of codes and rumours. The ghost in the machine.

He reaches over and brushes a stray lock of hair that has fallen over his lover's face.

Her skin is like the finest spun silk to the touch of his rough callused hands. She's sleeping peacefully, the slightest of smiles on her lips.

Carefully, Baofu lifts the sheets and slips out from under them. He dresses quietly, making sure that the rustling of fabric is kept to a minimum, glad that his clothes aren't strewn too far away. The marble floor chills the soles of his feet and the cold seems to seep into his bones, spreading outwards from that single contact with the icy polished surface. As soon as he is done, he casts his hands about the dresser blindly, reluctant to turn on a light for fear of waking her up. His fingers find purchase and grasping the crumpled pack of cigarettes, he walks over to the window overlooking the shimmering lights of the city far below.

The steady yellow flame from the lighter casts darting shadows over everything in the room, including the sleeping form of his lover. Baofu averts his eyes from the image, a sigh of pleasure almost escaping his lips as the smoke hits his lungs and fills his nostrils. He doesn't like what he sees in the reflection of the window and hasn't liked it for a long time.

He rests his head against the window, strangely despondent.

He should not have slept with her.

He should not allowed things to have progressed to this level.

He should have had more self-control, more discipline. He shouldn't have allowed himself to be lulled by her coy smile, her willing embrace, the gentle dancing light in her eyes.

Baofu knows that she is investing her future, her entire life into this relationship. And he's not a man that's worth her effort.

Not when he doesn't love her.

Sometimes, Baofu thinks that Miki ruined him for all women.

Baofu is the kind of man who doesn't stick around for the morning after. Being there, having her wake up to his presence is an indication that he wants things to go on like this, that he's ready to commit. Baofu knows that and he knows too that his heart is not in this affair. But somehow, he can't seem to bring himself to move and walk through that door. She doesn't deserve it, not after all that she has done for him. He can't find it in his heart to be that cruel.

The least he can do is be there when she wakes up the next day.

Baofu doesn't know which is worse though. Not being there when she wakes up or lying through the false smile and saying words he doesn't mean and probably never will.

He thinks to himself that this will not be a bad life as her eyelids flutter open several hours later and a radiant smile spreads across her face when she realises that he's still there. He walks over and kisses her gently on the cheek, and as her arms come around his neck, he lowers her gently back to the bed, like a beautiful goddess ripe for the taking. Her desperate gasps turns him on and he ploughs into her eagerly, sating his physical cravings temporarily as their heated flesh comes together repeatedly.

Baofu feels hollow inside as he whispers soft deadly lies in her ear. But it makes him feel less guilty when he sees her smile and he tells himself that if he says them often enough, they just might come true.

------

The night is growing old swiftly. Snow is falling gently outside and the world is slowly being blanketed in a layer of crystalline pureness. The streets are empty, families and couples choosing to huddle together in a home kept warm by love and electrical wizardry of the age.

A cold breeze wafts through the room as the door swings open. A lonely straggler wanders in, sits himself at the bar counter and orders a beer.

Baofu lights another cigarette, puts it to his lips and exhales slowly. The atmosphere is comfortable and pleasant even though conversation for him has died down for the time being. The two ladies are chatting away happily, excited at meeting each other again after such a long time apart. Maya has grown even more beautiful in time, her sadness lending her an aura of mature sophistication and impenetrable mystery. However, as the evening stretches on and her conversation with Ulala grows more animated, her cheerful nature reveals itself for what it is, and she seems more like the bubbly young woman she was when Baofu first met her.

Ulala reaches over and touches Baofu's arm lightly.

"Excuse us, we're going to the ladies," she says with a slight giggle. It's more likely than not that they're heading there to gossip about their respective partners. Baofu feigns ignorance and nods. Maya smiles benignly as she rises and follows Ulala to the back of the pub where the restrooms are. They won't be back for a while, of that, Baofu is sure.

Katsuya's gaze doesn't leave Maya's departing figure until she disappears behind the solid wooden door of the ladies. He's been watching her all night, partaking in little of the conversation, seemingly satisfied with letting the conversation flow around him. They came in together when they entered the pub and Baofu wonders if there is more to their relationship than meets the eye. It certainly seems as if they have met several times before this evening's gathering. Every time Maya smiles, the corner of Katsuya's lips curves in answering response and when she laughs she leans a little too casually against the other man. Katsuya has been unusually attentive to Maya all night and it would be of little surprise to Baofu if they were dating.

Baofu catches Katsuya's eye as he looks away from the direction of Maya's departure. It's the first time in all these years that Baofu has seen him without his ruby red glasses. His eyes are a warm hazel brown, inviting and mesmerising. Katsuya looks less severe without those glasses, almost younger somehow. Baofu holds Katsuya's gaze for a while, partly because he wants to see if the younger man will flinch, partly because he just wants to look at those eyes and have them train their gaze on him a little longer.

Katsuya doesn't flinch, but Baofu imagines that he flushes a little, although he'll admit that it's probably the alcohol rather than Baofu's scrutiny that has tinted those cheeks.

"You got rid of the glasses."

It's the first time all night that they have been alone, that Baofu has had a chance to address the other man directly. The time they spent fighting side-by-side seems like a lifetime ago and time that has passed since have made them little more than strangers to each other.

Katsuya truly goes red this time, and he drops his gaze to the glass of alcohol he's cradling in his hands.

"Ah... Maya said I looked better without them," he says, obviously self-conscious. He seems reluctant to bring his gaze up to meet Baofu's again and almost unconsciously rakes a hand through his neatly combed hair, effectively tousling it. A nervous gesture no doubt and Baofu is surprised at how much he's actually enjoying making the other man squirm.

They lapse into silence again, the quiet being punctuated by occasional snatches of conversation around them. Even when they were fighting side by side and entrusting their lives in each other's hands, they never had much to say to each other beyond the usual barbs, battle tactics and the like. Now that all that is behind them, it's no wonder that they're running short of things to discuss. Baofu watches Katsuya unabashly, making no attempt to hide the fact. Katsuya looks uncomfortable. He raises the glass he's holding to his lips and takes a sharp swallow of the golden liquid within, his adam's apple bobbing as he does so. Baofu imagines placing his lips against that tender skin and feeling the throbbing beat of Katsuya's life force beneath his tongue. He imagines having Katsuya shudder beneath him as he presses him down forcefully on a bed and masters the younger man.

Baofu's throat is suddenly very dry.

He reaches out for his own drink, wishing that the ladies would come back now. It's getting increasingly warm in here and his mind is starting to stray in awkward directions. Baofu has had men before, but none of them have ever been serious relationships, and he's never stayed the night after the mind-numbing sex with them. He's made it a point never to bed a friend especially if he actually wants to hold on to the relationship, but it's not something that he's been succeeding at recently, what with Ulala barging into his life and bed.

"Are the two of you together?" Katsuya asks. Baofu thinks that the answer should be obvious to anyone with eyes but Katsuya sounds genuinely curious and so he simply nods his head in affirmation.

In all honesty, Ulala and him have never once talked about the status of their relationship. Ulala seems to have assumed quite readily that they are a couple after that one night together and Baofu can find no one reason good enough to shatter her illusions. It's not as if he has anyone else after all and he doesn't really object to being her partner in more ways than one even if he doesn't love her because he really does care for her deeply in spite of everything and he doesn't want to lose a close friend.

Katsuya smiles warmly at him. It's a genuine smile that reaches his eyes, softening them in a way that makes Baofu's heart race in strange ways. Baofu wonders why he never realised how attractive Katsuya looked before. He decides that he's probably had enough to drink for one night and refrains from taking another swig from his glass although the urge to do so is almost overpowering.

"I'm happy for the two of you," Katsuya says, sincerely, almost earnestly, and Baofu sees a flash of that innocence in him that hasn't quite been buried by the deaths he seen and the betrayals he has experienced in his relatively short life. It's an innocence that he sees in Maya and Ulala as well that he finds lacking sorrowfully in himself. It's an innocence that he has lost yet longs for and is powerfully attracted too. Baofu suspects that that innocence is one of the qualities about Ulala that appeals to him so and is probably one of the factors that has made him stay thus far.

"Thanks," he finds himself muttering awkwardly. It's the only appropriate response really, in the face of Katsuya's radiant smile.

"How's your brother?" Baofu asks in a bid to change the topic. He's not exactly comfortable talking about his relationship with Ulala. It makes him feel horribly guilty and ill at ease with himself.

Katsuya's smile brightens if possibe, at the mention of Tatsuya.

"He's fine, I guess. He made it to the university somehow. I think... he plans to join the police force."

"Somehow? You don't seem to have much faith in him, " Baofu says with a short laugh. "So the brat wants to join the police force... must be his big brother's influence."

"Well, he was a problem student in school. It was hard not to have my doubts." Katsuya defended with a slight smile.

"I heard you just got a promotion," Baofu prompts, unwilling to let the conversation between them die down now that he has got it going. "It's about time."

He's not going to admit to himself that he just wants to see that smile grace Katsuya's lips again.

"It's nothing major. Just a rank up from when I met you guys. It's really more work in proportion to the pay raise." Katsuya laughs, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Life must be pretty perfect for you now then. Your career's going well, you don't have to worry about Tatsuya anymore and you've got yourself a wonderful girlfriend..." Baofu trails off as Katsuya arches an eyebrow. Before he can question Katsuya about the curious expression, Ulala slides into the seat next to him again and takes his hand.

"What were you guys talking about while we were gone?"

His eyes rest on her smiling countenance for a moment before his gaze is drawn magnetically back to Katsuya again. Katsuya is looking at their hands joined together on the table, wearing a strange melancholic sort of smile.

"Just stuff," Baofu says, as Katsuya raises his head and their eyes meet across the table again.

Maya coughs, apologetically.

"It's getting late and I still have work tomorrow," she says, looking vaguely regretful. "Let's do this again sometime soon," she adds, favouring Ulala with a smile. Ulala nods eagerly.

Maya rises from her seat and Katsuya does so too, as if on cue.

"I'll see you home," he tells her softly.

"... Bye guys, we'll be in touch," Maya says, waving to Baofu and Ulala as Katsuya shrugs off his jacket and places it around her shoulders. She turns and gifts him with a sweet girlish smile before they walk out together in the frosty night.

Baofu wishes that he has with Ulala what the two of them share.

Ulala places her head against his shoulder as the door swings shut behind the pair.

"Let's go home," she says softly, squeezing his hand ever so gently.

Baofu takes Ulala with more force than usual that night. When he comes, an image of the happy pair rises unbidden in his mind and he silently despairs at that which comes so easily to others but seems so utterly out of reach for him.

------

It's not something Baofu was expecting when he walked into the pub that night. But he's there all the same, seated beside Katsuya, downing one drink after the other as the other man struggles with some unknown unvoiced issue. He'd spotted Katsuya the same time the other man had seen him and they had been drinking ever since. Words are far and few in between but Baofu doesn't mind. He's got all night to wait for Katsuya to pour his heart out since Ulala is out of town visiting friends and even if Katsuya doesn't, he's content to sit here with Katsuya for as long as he likes, soaking in the other man's presence as a cigarette dangles limply from his lips.

Baofu patiently pushes yet another drink over the counter to Katsuya as Katsuya quite visibly wallows in his own misery.

"I can't... I just can't compete with ihim/i." He says the last word with a bitterness that Baofu has only ever heard in his tone when he speaks about his father and what happened all those years back in the police force.

"Him who?" Baofu prompts calmly. He's still relatively sober, but he can't quite say the same for Katsuya.

"Tatsuya," Katsuya replies and this time, the bitterness has been replaced by pure anguish.

Baofu blinks rapidly, surprised. When Katsuya had said 'him', he had expected it to be someone at Katsuya's workplace.

"What about him?" Baofu asks, his curiousity piqued.

"... Ma-Maya. she thinks about him all the time and he's igone/i and he's my ibrother/i, I shouldn't feel this way about the whole thing, but I ido/i and I can't even look at my own brother now without feeling jealous..." Katsuya raises his head miserably to meet Baofu's gaze.

"What should I do?" He asks imploringly, woefully. "I tried to be ge-generous... I told her I would wait and that that I didn't mind, but I do, really I DO..." He bangs the glass on the counter causing the bartender to send them a dirty look.

Baofu gestures at the glass for a refill and turns his attention back to Katsuya.

"But you guys seemed pretty happy together the last time I saw you."

Katsuya snorted derisively.

"We were never together..." Katsuya mutters, pupils dilated as he stars solemnly at the liquid being poured into his glass.

"Hnn. I wouldn't have guessed from the way you were acting together." Baofu is playing it cool, but all of a sudden he can hear the pounding of his heart as loudly as if it were a drum being beaten next to his ear.

"She couldn't accept me... Said she couldn't forget him and it wouldn't be fair to all of us..." Katsuya buries his head in his hands.

"I can't compete with someone who doesn't exist! I can't compete with a love as pure as that! Do you know what it cost him to come back to her?" He demands, glaring at Baofu as if the entire mess was his fault.

"And at the end of it all, he's my brother... I see the way she looks at my brother here, Baofu. I see the ghost of that Tatsuya reflected in her eyes every time she gazes upon him..." He falls silent as he stares morosely at his glass.

"You're lucky, you know," Katsuya mutters darkly. He's swaying dangerously on his stool and Baofu has to grip his arm just to stop him from falling. His head drops onto Baofu's shoulder and lolls back. "You and Ulala have it easy. You guys are so good together. I wish-I wish, Maya and I..." He trails off and slumps against Baofu heavily. He's quiet for only a short while before he begins slurring again.

"I don't feel so good..."

"... You've had enough," Baofu decides, frowning. The last thing he needs is Katsuya throwing up all over his suit. "Come on then, I'll see you home."

Katsuya shakes his head vehemently.

"I'm not! Not going home... I don't wanta see him. I don't want him to see me like this..." Katsuya sounds almost like he's pleading. He raises his head to stare at Baofu dolefully.

"Don't let him see me like this."

Katsuya's voice is weak, miserable, desperate.

Baofu relents almost too quickly. He can hear his blood pounding through his veins, feel the acceleration of his heart beat as he slips his arm around the younger man's waist and brings Katsuya's arm around his shoulders so he can steady the other man as they get up together. He tells himself it's the alcohol, but Baofu is not much for self-deception and he knows his attraction for Katsuya will end badly tonight. He can't much bring himself to care at this point though.

Maybe he's not quite as sober as he believes himself to be if thoughts like this are slipping into his head, but Baofu's not about to lie to himself. He wants Katsuya. He wants him in a way that he has not wanted anyone else in a long time. He wants Katsuya whichever way possible. It's just that simple.

Baofu's a man who has spent his life regretting wasted opportunites and pondering what might have beens. He's old enough to know he doesn't want to add another regret to his list by not acting on this impulse with this golden opportunity lying just within reach of his grasp.

------

The door flies open with a loud bang. It's with no small amount of cursing that Baofu finally manages to manuever Katsuya through the door of the tiny cramped motel room. Katsuya looks lean but he's a dead weight when drunk and unwieldy to boot. He's almost unconscious by the time Baofu kicks the door shut behind the two of them.

He lowers Katsuya down on the rickety old bed. Katsuya's top button is unbuttoned for once and the pale white line of skin is visible beneath the dark red starched material of his work shirt.

Katsuya utters a soft moan and he turns his face away from Baofu's scrutiny. A slight frown creases his brow. His hair is all askew and loose brown strands have fallen across his flushed cheeks.

Baofu reaches out and threads his fingers through the fine dark strands.

Katsuya stirs. His fingers fumble over Baofu's and then closes around them.

"Where?"

His voice sounds hoarse as he peers around confusedly from a crack between his eyelids. He drags himself up to a sitting position almost painfully, his grip on Baofu's hand, crushing. He doesn't seem to realise what he's doing though so Baofu keeps a straight face for his benefit if nothing else.

"Motel. You said you didn't want to go home."

Katsuya's head falls back against the headboard. His eyes slide shut.

"I did?" he murmurs, a single hand coming up to massage his own forehead. "I don't remember but you must be right... Sorry for bothering you."

His gaze drifts down and alights finally on their joined hands. A strange expression crosses his features as if he's not sure of what he's doing than understanding dawns like light breaking across darkened skies and he jerks his hands away hurriedly, his face red.

"Sorry," He says hurriedly. His gaze flickers up to meet Baofu's for the briefest of moments before he breaks the direct visual contact again. He closes his eyes, frowning again as he puts a hand to his forehead.

"Pounding headache..." He mutters quietly, seemingly to the room in general rather than Baofu in particular.

"You're not exactly a good drinker," Baofu informs him as he lights another cigarette and blows smoke out into the stale air around them.

Katsuya frowns, then leans his dark crop of hair back against the headboard.

"Can I have one?" he asks quietly. The request is made in such a soft subdued voice that for a moment Baofu thinks he must have heard wrongly. Then he realises that Katsuya is looking at him quizically.

"I didn't know you smoked."

"You don't know all that much about me," Katusya tells him, eyes fixed on the cigarette.

There is no heat in the voice, no reproach or malice but Baofu takes offence all the same. He doesn't understand why that comment irks him as much as it did, but he does know that he wants Katsuya's eyes on him rather than that white stick.

Baofu passes one white slender roll over, his fingers brushing against Katsuya's as Katsuya takes the white stick and places it between his lips.

"I need a light," he murmurs.

Baofu reaches over to Katsuya and places a hand on his shoulder. Katsuya's pupils dart to the side in the direction of Baofu's hand and Baofu drags him forward and brings the two ends of their cigarettes together. It takes a while for the paper to catch the cinders and burn. Katsuya's wide eyes are fixed on Baofu the entire time.

It takes all of Baofu's resolve to not to toss his cigarette aside and kiss the breath out of Katsuya.

He wants to wipe that wide-eyed innocent look off Katsuya's face and hear Katsuya cry out his name until he's hoarse and desperate. He wants Katsuya to look at him for once and to think of him and only him. He wants to erase Maya from Katsuya's thoughts and replace her in Katsuya's heart.

Baofu wants many things from Katsuya that he has never wanted from Ulala. He wonders if he should be alarmed then decides that just for tonight he's not going to give a damn.

Katsuya sighs almost blissfully, as he blows a plume of smoke towards the yellow water stained ceiling.

"... I haven't had one of these in a long time," he murmurs as he stares wistfully at the smouldering tube in his hand.

"You haven't been living for a long time then," Baofu tells him, drawing closer. Katsuya looks up, probably startled by Baofu's proximity.

This is not familiar territory they are on. They have never bonded like Maya and Ulala do. Nor have they ever shared a light across empty white sheets, fingers inches away from being intertwined, their bodies close enough to feel the other's comforting warmth.

They finish their cigarettes in relative silence.

"I should probably go home..." Katsuya murmurs, as he sways to his feet. The sheet rustles as he slides off the smooth surface.

Baofu hand darts forward of its own accord.

He remembers the small startled cry that escapes Katsuya's lips as the younger man loses his balance and falls back into his hungry embrace.

He remembers pinning Katsuya down against the rumpled sheets as he kisses him possessively, greedily.

He remembers the trapped, desperate noises Katsuya makes in his throat as the younger man tries to break away.

He remembers feeling the frantic pounding of Katsuya's heart against his own heated flesh as he slips his hand down... and further still.

Katsuya cries out and Baofu buries his protest as he covers Katsuya's lips with his own and forces his tongue into hot wet crevice of Katsuya's mouth.

A hard sharp object jabs into his side, Baofu looks down and he's staring at the barrel of a gun in Katsuya's trembling fingers. Katsuya raises the gun slowly as Baofu backs away.

"Stop..." And there is no anger in Katsuya's voice, no rage or fury of any sort. All Baofu sees in those scared hazel eyes is confusion.

He holds his hands up silently, his gaze locked onto Katsuya's wide orbs.

Katsuya's shirt is askew and his hair is falling dramatically into his wide brown eyes. He looks like a lost little boy who has had his trust betrayed.

He looks stunningly desirable.

Baofu reaches forward and Katsuya jerks backwards immediately, his back connecting with the wall behind with a thump.

"Baofu!" he cries, and it's not so much a warning as it is an exclamation.

Baofu pauses, fingers inches away from cold steel.

"You have a choice. You can pull the trigger or you can put the gun down. It won't change anything."

The flicker of indecision in Katsuya's wild eyes is answer enough.

Baofu's fingers close over the gun. It slips easily away from Katsuya's shaking hands and Baofu simply tosses it behind him where it clatters noisily on the floor.

He slams Katsuya against the wall with almost casual violence and Katsuya gasps, in fear or pain, Baofu cannot tell.

The battle is lost before it has even began.

When Baofu comes shuddering within Katsuya's trembling flesh, he feels alive in a way he has not been for many years. Collapsing above the lean body beneath him, he kisses Katsuya's naked sweaty flesh breathlessly as he holds the other man close.

Katsuya is shaking badly in Baofu's arms, his face buried in Baofu's shoulders. Baofu can feel the warm moisture on his skin, can feel each cry that Katsuya holds back in his throat and it makes him want Katsuya more.

Katsuya's fingers are fisted at the base of his neck, tangled with Baofu's long dark tresses. He's clinging on to Baofu like the shipwrecked to a rock.

Baofu is deliriously giddy with warmth, lust and sated sex. He knows he's going to have a hell of a time hiding those long red gorges down his back from Ulala.

Baofu runs his fingers down the hard plane of Katsuya's abdomen, marveling in the beauty of his flesh even as Katsuya shudders violently at his touch.

"Katsuya..." he breathes as his teeth grazes the surface of the other man's ear lobe.

"Katsuyakatsuyakatsuya..." Baofu repeats over and over again as if it is a mantra. He repeats it as if the very sound of the name, perfectly formed on his tongue will keep Katsuya here a little longer. He likes the sound of Katsuya's name on his tongue, to savour, to possess, like the body he has just owned.

Baofu is certain this is not love. After all, he knows love. It is what he had with Miki and it is lost to him forever. He knows it is not just lust or friendship because this is what he has with Ulala and he knows it cannot last forever. What has happened here tonight, his feelings for Katsuya lie somewhere in between the three, indefinable, inexplicable, indescribable.

It is far more complex than love, friendship or lust and more violently intense than a mix of the three.

A trilling sound fills the silence of the room. Ulala. Baofu knows this for a fact.

The phone rattles noisily among the clothes carelessly discarded upon the grimy floor.

Baofu leans forward and kisses Katsuya harshly.  
-----

It's a wintry frosty night like the many nights that have come before. Baofu is seated before Maya and Ulala, bathed in the warm glow of the tea light floating in a tiny glass on their table.

A fire crackles in the hearth.

Ulala tosses her drink back and grins at Maya, who shakes her head in amusement. Ulala's hand is warm against his leg. Baofu's hand closes over hers as she looks up at him, a warm happy smile dancing on her lips.

Baofu has not seen Katsuya in a year.

He's asked around but no one seems to know where he is, not even Maya, who's as confused as the rest of them as to his whereabouts. He's even asked Tatsuya, but the kid had no further information on his brother beyond 'he went away'. All that Baofu has on Katsuya is that he quit the police force and dropped off from the face of the earth.

If Baofu had known that his glimpse of Katsuya curled in on himself beneath the sheets would be his last, he would never have left Katsuya alone in the room in that day.

He would have stayed. He would have stayed and he would have made sure that Katsuya stayed too and Baofu would not have be staring at an empty chair now with a dull ache in his chest.

Baofu knows that Katsuya is gone because of him and his mistakes, but he cannot bring himself to feel regret for anything that passed between them that night and he knows he would do it all over again without a second thought.

The only thing that Baofu regrets is leaving before Katsuya opened his eyes though he wonders if it would have made much of a difference. Katsuya could still have left but deep inside, Baofu knows he made a wrong choice that morning and it's one that will haunt him for the rest of his life when he wakes up to Ulala's smiling face from dreams of Katsuya's pained cries.

"I need to get some air."

Ulala looks up, concern etched on her features but Baofu allays her fears with a gentle peck on the cheek. Baofu is not a man given to public displays of affection but lately, he's been feeling remiss in his relationship with Ulala and he feels the need to compensate her somehow.

Ulala's fingers linger on his arm as he leaves, pinpoints of warmth on his sleeve. ulala always feels warm against him, her presence radiating a kind of heat that Baofu cannot find within himself.

Baofu steps out into the chill of the black night, his boots crunching heavily on the fallen snow shielding the pavement.

The sky is shrouded in heavy black velvet, like the invisible shroud that seems to be weighing Baofu down.

Baofu's breath escapes from him in tiny puffs. Soft flakes are falling gently onto his upturned face and he closes his eyes, his mind supplying him with an all too desirable image of a lover's icy caress.

The wind steals the name from his lips as he mouths it into the icy atmosphere. Baofu takes his glove off and lets the tiny flakes that fall on his hand chill him to the bone.

He is tired and weary of the facade at home and sick with longing for a man he has not seen for way too many months.

So when Baofu rounds the corner and bumps right into a startled Katsuya, he grabs hold and doesn't let go.

Katsuya is thin, considerably so from when Baofu last saw him. His hair is longer with brown locks tangling down his collar and obscuring his face. His wide brown eyes are smudged with dark rings and he looks pale and fragile.

In Baofu's eyes, Katsuya's beauty is flawless.

Baofu does not know how long they spent paralyzed by each other's gaze, but it is long enough for him to feel like he is sinking into a dream from which there is no escape.

"Let go."

Katsuya strains to pull his wrist free but Baofu will bruise him before he releases Katsuya and he's done it before.

"Where have you been?"

Baofu is disturbed by the hoarse need he hears in his own voice.

"It's none of your business," Katsuya replies and his voice is hard as diamonds. His hands are cold the way Baofu's always are.

There is no fire to be found here, no steady flame to draw a moth, but Baofu wants the ice, wants Katsuya's cold to hurt him so badly it burns and he knows that it already has.

"I searched everywhere for you. All the networks, all the systems I could crack into."

"It's none of my business," he hisses and the stab of pain in Baofu's chest is the closest thing to real emotion he's felt in months.

He turns sharply and drags Katsuya, protesting fiercely behind him, to where he left his car. Opening the door, he shoves Katsuya in, then gets in himself and slams the door shut.

Baofu floors the accelerator before Katsuya has a chance to get away, throwing the car through a series of dangerous bends across slippery roads.

Beside him, Katsuya is cursing angrily but Baofu pays no heed to the insults. He doesn't take his foot off the gas until they reach the dark underside of town, where he knows, no one they know will find them.

Baofu is all over Katsuya the moment he slams on his brakes, his breath hot and heavy as his tongue tangles dangerously with Katsuya's.

Katsuya's fingers are fumbling behind him for the door handle, but Baofu hits the auto-locks on all the doors, effectively trapping Katsuya with him in the tiny enclosed space.

"Damn it!"

Baofu pulls back from Katsuya sharply, stinging pain on his lips as a trickle of blood makes it way down his chin. Katsuya turns and yanks violently at the door, but the lock holds.

Baofu swipes at the blood and lunges for Katsuya again. Katsuya twists in his grasp, but Baofu will not release that which he has desired for so long.

"What do you want from me!" Katsuya demands and his voice is tinged with both desperation and fear.

Baofu looks at him indisbelief.

"Don't you already know?"

"No, no I don't! You've taken what you could from me. What else do you want?" And Katsuya's voice all but cracks at the last word.

Baofu thinks that he may never have been so sure about anything in his life.

"You. I want you." He states simply, tightening his grasps on Katsuya's wrists and watching the play of emotions on Katsuya's face.

"But what about Ulala?"

Baofu smiles wryly.

"What about her?"

Baofu pushes Katsuya back down against the seats. The buttons from his shirt tear loose as he rips the fabric in his hands.

His eyes widen.

Katsuya's skin is darkened and bruised in places where someone else has already been. Lightly, he brushes his fingers across the wounds, his brows furrowed.

Katsuya watches him darkly through the veil of his bangs.

"Did you think I was saving myself for you?" His voice betrays him with its brief tremor, but the words hit home, like a slap in his face and Baofu's glad his glasses are hiding his eyes.

"Who?" Baofu murmurs as he sweeps his thumb along the purplish discolourations on Katsuya's otherwise flawless skin.

Katsuya turns his face away, either in resignation or loathing, Baofu cannot tell.

"... Nate."

The spoken word is so soft and unlikely that Baofu thinks he must be mistaken, he must be, for he simply cannot fathom the thought of Katusya being with that snot-nosed stuck up brat of a kid.

"Nate." Baofu echoes and snorts derisively. It's not true. It can't be because Katsuya and Nate get along about as well as oil and water do and he'd sooner believe that Katsuya and Tatsuya were together than come to terms with the fact that the rich brat got the jump on him.

"Yes. Nate." Katsuya repeats and his voice is filled with defeated resignation. He's staring up at the roof of the car, seemingly oblivious to everything around him, but Baofu knows better.

"Why?"

Katsuya's eyes snap into focus as he drops his gaze to meet Baofu's.

"Why?" He echoes and his tone is incredulous.

"Why Nate?" Baofu demands and he's vaguely aware he sounds like a jealous lover but he's gone over the edge a long time ago and he can't reign in this feelings pouring from some deep well of emotion he never knew lay within him.

Katsuya reaches up and his fingers ghost over Baofu's lips. Baofu catches his fingers and brings them to his lips again as he kisses Katsuya's knuckles gently.

"You left and you were with Ulala. I couldn't... destroy what you two have together. What I wanted so badly with Maya and didn't have."

The relevation is like a bolt from open skies. Baofu grimaces and the stab of anger, jealousy and pain is like a hot knife twisting in his guts.

The pain in Katsuya's voice is real. Baofu does not speak.

"Nate... he was there that day when I left the motel. I passed out as he was calling to me... when I woke up, I was in his room. He didn't ask me any questions. Nights became days, days became weeks and before I knew it, I'd been with him for months. He held me through my worst nightmares," Katsuya whispers and there was a soft flicker of a smile on his lips.

"He didn't care that I was in love with Maya, didn't mind that I'd been with you. He was an insufferable, arrogant prick to everyone, but he was warm and real to me."

Katsuya pauses, raising his head to meet Baofu's eyes.

"One night, after he'd held me through another nightmare, he kissed me. He was just back from a dinner party and still in his dinner jacket and tie. I think he was drunk. The next morning, he came and apologised to me."

Katsuya pauses and he runs his fingers through Baofu's long black hair.

"We made love that night. All through the night and into the morning. Nate missed all his appointments. When they came knocking to find him, he told them all to go to hell."

"You can't mean to say you didn't feel anything for me that night when we fucked."

Baofu's words are cold, crude and calculated to hurt. He knows it does when Katsuya winces.

"Does it matter now? You have Ulala. I'm with Nate. Let's just leave it alone, Baofu. We'll go back to our own lives like nothing ever happened."

"But it did happen. You have no idea how hard I tried to find you, how badly I..."

Baofu's voice dies in his throat.

"I know. You couldn't find me because I didn't want you to. Nate made sure of it."

Hate coiled in the the pits of Baofu's gut at the mention of that name.

"Baofu, just forget about me. Go back to Ulala."

"I don't love her."

The admission is startling easy to make and as soon as the words leave his lips, it feels as if an incredible burden has been lifted.

Katsuya looks stunned.

"But the two of you..."

"I don't love her," Baofu all but growls, staring at Katsuya's hands clenched tightly in his own.

"Then why?"

"It was convenient. She was convenient. It was so easy to be with her."

Baofu knows he is a complete bastard, and he doesn't know why but he wants to be honest with Katsuya. If they are ever to have a chance together, Baofu knows he has to do this.

"Convenient..." Katusya murmurs, his eyes dark and glittering dangerously.

"Was I convenient for you as well?" There is an edge in his voice that wasn't there before and Baofu wonders if he's just blown this whole thing with Katsuya right out the window before it even got off to a proper start.

"No! No, you weren't..." Baofu pauses, racking his brains for a way to best describe the way he feels for Katsuya, wondering if there even is a word to pin his emotions down and lay bare for Katsuya.

"Then what was I?" Katsuya whispers, and his voice cracks, just a little, and Baofu can see how much this is hurting him, how much he is hurting him.

"You were... you are what I need. To be whole again. To find any chance of happiness in this damned existence of my life," Baofu whispers, and he knows it's true, even if he didn't have a clue until the words crystallise in the air between them.

"And Ulala?" Katsuya whispers, not for the first time that night.

"What about her?" Baofu asks softly and his gaze is riveted on Katsuya's. He means every single word he says. He would live with her hate forever for one chance with Katsuya.

A shuddering sigh escapes Katsuya's lips as he squeezes his eyes shut and turn away.

When he opens them again, Baofu is struck by the powerful turmoil roiling in them. He recognises lust, desire, pure want and need and something more.

Katsuya grabs the lapels of Baofu's jacket, drags him forward and kisses him fiercely.

Katsuya's lips are cold on his, as are his icy fingers as he curls them at the nape of Baofu's neck. Baofu returns the kiss back possessively, vigorously, his tongue sweeping into Katsuya's mouth to touch, tease, explore, taketaketake.

A soft click, and Katsuya's pulling away from him so abruptly and he doesn't understand why, the kiss was too brief, too painful, too real...

"I'm sorry," Katsuya whispers. The door sprungs open as Katsuya shoves at it and suddenly he's out of the car and retreating backwards steadily.

Baofu scrambles forward through the door, dread seizing his heart in its curved talons.

"We can't do this to Nate and Ulala. I-" and Katsuya's voice catches. He takes a deep breath,as his eyes lock on Baofu's, freezing him in his place. "I love Nate. Please don't look for me."

And with that, he's gone, his figure retreating into the inky blackness of the night, his fading footsteps like that of a waking dream, his fiery kiss lingering like a ghostly lover.

For an instant, Baofu considers going after him. Considers pursuing him until they both collapse gasping for breath and dragging him off forcibly. But then, it wouldn't make a difference in the end and Katsuya would hate him and still want nothing to do with him. And what was the point of it all really?

The cold breeze cuts into his skin like razor sharp blades. Baofu gets back in his car and slams the door shut.

Baofu doesn't remember how long he spends sitting in the darkness and letting the frost and pain eat into him before he brings the engine to life and steers himself home.

-----

Dull muted anger is his companion as he thinks back on the mess that is his life and the one mistake which cost him so dearly.

Baofu is a man with many regrets and now, he has one more to add to the neverending list.

A figure stirs in his bed as he draws closer in the darkness. He drapes himself about her lithe figure, needing her warmth, the love for him that she radiates that he knows he does not deserve. He was ready to leave her in a heart beat tonight.

Now, he knows he'll break if he loses her too.

Ulala blinks sleepily and offers him a loose, unguarded smile.

"Where were you?" She chides softly, as he buries his face in the nape of her neck and his hands encircles her small waist.

"Something came up. I had to go. I'm sorry," he whispers back in her ear.

Another day, another sin of omission and Baofu doesn't know how to make things up to her, doesn't know how he can redeem himself for her.

"I missed you," she murmurs as he traces the outline of her body with gloved fingers.

"I'm sorry," Baofu whispers again and he truly is sorry for not loving her, for sleeping with Katsuya and wanting Katsuya even now, wanting him so badly, his chest hurts with each breath that he draws.

Ulala must have sensed something different in the inflection of his tone because she half-turns in his loose embrace and cups his cheek with her gentle fingers.

"Hey, it's okay. Maya gave me a lift home. Don't cut yourself up over it."

Ulala smiles and her smile is an invitation to heaven for a sinner like him.

He doesn't deserve her love, isn't fit for her or Katsuya, but he's grateful for her comforting presence anyway and he lowers her gently down to the bed and loses himself in her nubile young body.

-----

Baofu lies awake deep in the night, Ulala spooned against him as he stares up at the empty ceiling. He wonders what Katsuya and Nate must be doing now. Probably rutting like animals he decides and the desolation that uncoils itself throughout every fibre of his being leaves him in utter abject misery.

This wasn't the way Baofu had wanted it to go down, but he had screwed up, hurt and betrayed everyone in the end.

Katsuya was gone and would not be coming back and any chance of happiness Baofu could have had vanished with the man's departure.

Baofu turns his mind to that one night together, the one night which ruined his life and changed it forever. He remembers the sweet sound of Katsuya gasping his name, over and over again as he had plundered the other man.

In the darkness of the night, with the woman who loves him by his side, Baofu closes his eyes and gives himself up to helpless despair as his mind dredges up the memory of that which will never be his.

** The End.**


End file.
